Submarine Surfaces at Put-inBay

Eyewitness accounts from South Bass Island confirm the sighting of a massive submarine this morning.  The Coast Guard has limited comments due to the “ongoing investigation” status. A confidential source at the Put-in-Bay Police Department reports the submarine is most likely linked to the US/C Invasive Species Investigative Command based in Port Dover, Ontario, Canada.

Island residents quickly gathered in DeRivera Park to assess the situation.  The mayor and several council members proposed a new ordinance to prevent excessive sonar soundings near the public docks.  Township officials called the Port Authority into executive session, and the Put-in-Bay Chamber of Commerce Board released a special statement welcoming submariners.

Middle Bass Islanders lamented the lack of a permanent police presence on their island, while North Bass residents forwarded a text message stating, “We’re not worried about it.”